Common experiences of growing up in a brown household

Marvellous weddings, great food, colourful clothes, cultured and family-oriented people. Some may even say that we are “a glamorous community that likes to have grand celebrations.”

​

Don’t be fooled, things aren’t always as great as they seem to be - especially in my society.

​

There are so many issues and misogyny within the brown community that need to be addressed.

​

It’s frightening and frustrating to see so many things that haven’t changed.

​

Patriarchal Society

​

Question- is it still a man’s world? I think it is.

​

I live in a sexist and patriarchal society. Girls are only certified if they get married and have kids - whether it’s a happy marriage or not, whether there’s love or not you must get and stay married!

​

So if marriage and kids is the only path you can take – training consisting of involuntary cooking and cleaning sessions also start at a very young age.

​

Something that I have commonly seen in brown households with families of both daughters and sons is that if the girl/s forget to do a chore e.g., washing the dishes then it’s a big mistake.

​

If the boy doesn’t do anything it’s okay, but if he decides to make a cup of tea for himself then a pat on his back and a round of applause is given.

​

Why? Why is equality still a foreign language in brown societies? Why are women expected to be submissive? Why is standing up for our own rights, wrong?

​

Not only does this mean that women would be cooking and cleaning for the rest of their lives and that men would be the providers, but it can also lead to create an unhealthy environment where men become egotistic, and women become oppressed.  

​

Whatever the man says goes. Women would lose the freedom to go, buy and do what they like to do because they aren’t in control of finances or don’t have anything to their name.

​

Due to a toxic level of dependency, many women also don’t have the courage to leave their physical or emotional abusing partner. They believe that these are just the cards they’ve been dealt.

​

They also become horrible role models for their kids. Some girls may even mistake their mother’s weaknesses as strengths.

​

Being unable to leave a toxic environment, accepting disrespect and unwilling to resolve conflicts are weaknesses, not strengths.

​

It’s unfortunate that their upbringing and their “time” was different but to the young boys and girls reading this blog right now – please be respectful of yourself and your future partner.

​

Know that there is no place for any kind of abuse, and you deserve better. Most importantly you will do better.

​

Respect Your Elders & Let The Aunties Chitter-Chatter

​

No matter what - don’t talk back, don’t defend yourself and always respect your elders.

​

That’s sweet. Elders should be respected - they carry an immense amount of wisdom and teachings that can be passed on to generations to come.

​

But I haven’t learnt anything from them…

​

The elders and grown-ups that I know and have observed only make judgemental comments on everyone’s size, weight, looks and project what they believe how things should be.

​

They’ve made many young children fearful and accepting of disrespect more than loved and cared for.

​

The grown-ups in many brown households especially the “aunties” are known for gossiping, judging, being jealous and competing while they stay struggling in their own relationships.

​

There is no desire to do better or to learn something to make better use of their time.  

​

Always bitchin’, never progressing…

​

Where is the wisdom?

​

What Will People Think?

​

If you are brown and have never heard “what will people think?” then you are extremely lucky. Treat yourself, get an ice cream.

People pleasing has been taken to a whole ‘nother level. 

​

Cutting off family members, divorce, discussing mental health, living on your own terms is all frowned upon.

​

Living for a society that will almost never say one good thing about you is the purpose of many brown families lives. It is sad.

​

Due to “what will people think?” many children are raised with low self-esteem and confidence.

​

It’s like a giant circle of many families that look to each other for reassurance and follow each other blindly while they all drown in their shitty financial situations and bad relationships.

​

What is the point? You will never be liked by everyone. When will we stop living for others?

​

Cultural Society But Claim To Be Religious

​

“You can’t do this because it is a sin but you can do this that is also a sin but it’s okay because it’s more culturally accepted.”

​

Hypocrisy at its finest.

​

It’s like they pick and choose things that best suit them.

​

For instance, consuming alcohol is not allowed in many religions but in my society it is a common custom to drink, especially during celebrations and when guests come over.

​

Why is that okay but not smoking? Is one sin bigger than the other?

​

If you’re going to choose religion, then follow it wholeheartedly. Don’t use it as an excuse.

​

Having long, expensive and traditional weddings are mandatory even though, from a religious point of view a simple exchange of vows is needed and that is it.

​

Most couples don’t even want such grand weddings and spend thousands and thousands of pounds on parties for people that they don’t even know.

​

They are pushed to pursue big weddings though because of society, “what will people think?”

​

I hope you enjoyed reading this and took away some insight on some common experiences in brown communities. 

​

Read, share, comment and let me know what you think!